Tommy’s Hope: Purpose

Chapter Four: Purpose

March 23, 2008

Trying to hold back the tears, I gently let go of grandpa’s hand and walked out of the room.

I can feel him tear my heart apart

I can feel him heal my soul

I can feel him in me

He tore my heart apart, but healed my soul

I can feel him live in me

We were one soul

I understand

I understand the purpose

I can’t change me, but I can feel the power to do good

I can feel the purpose

The purpose to do good despite the mountains to trek

I came in trying to find out if grandpa’s secret and the subsequent rumor that stretched across generations was true. I did not find that answer, but I found something greater. I realized that it doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter who or what defines you. You mean something to someone, you mean something to the world so long as you find your purpose and do good.

It doesn’t matter that I am gay or grandpa had a secret that destroyed his relationships. We can’t change who we are, but all that mattered was if we found our purpose in life and did good. He did. That is what I strive for.

Tommy’s Hope: Righteous

Chapter Three: Righteous

March 23, 2008, Cincinnati’s Hope Medical Center

As I slowly approach the room, I was nervous yet determined to get it right. Times like this remind me of how fragile life is and how life is short. Sooner or later, we will all be like grandpa. It must have hurt to keep a secret for so long.

As I gently hold onto his hand, I scan around the room and see that he is hooked onto these bulbous machines monitoring his vitals. He is falling in and out of consciousness.  

Sometimes I like to think about the past. I like to think about what once was and what could have been, but sometimes it’s just plain hard. It’d be nice to go back and relive some moments, some moments I wish I could redo.

Thinking about the ones I love, like grandpa. Wishing that I’d relive some moments with him, but not like this. In better times. I’d love to catch up on what once was and what could have been. It’s just so damn hard to see him like this. It’s so damn hard too see someone aging and hooked onto machines.

My thoughts start to shift away as I notice grandpa starting to move. Grandpa, weak and barely audible, whispered: Sometimes life doesn’t treat you right. You try and find your purpose in life. Life ain’t fair sometimes. In the end you got to find your purpose. In life there are lessons learned, lessons taught, lessons passed on. In the end you have to believe you did right.  

I whispered: you did right.

 

Believing

Chapter Six: Hamilton

Part I

He already missed Friday nights where he and his friends would go to a bar or stay in their apartment chugging bottles of beer one after another like there was no tomorrow. They’d hookup and tried things that they shouldn’t have. They’d tear their hearts open and share secrets too sacred to tell anyone. But that was behind him suppressed.

For the thought about it, he would break into pieces. He’d try and move on, but these memories were too sacred to sentimental to think about without falling apart. He focused on the road ahead. Highway 68 was empty; it seemed like was no end in sight. It was a long stretch of nothingness.

It felt peaceful and he hadn’t felt like this in a long time. It felt odd, he was used to the bustling city, but he grew into liking the peacefulness. He felt at home- more than he felt in the city or behind white picket fences. It was a place for reflection- alone with his thoughts- something he hadn’t done in a while. He was grappling with his own thoughts and feelings. He had been running away from his demons that he was too afraid to touch.

Part II

He’d been asked if he had a girlfriend far too many times. He’d change the subject and ramble about some philosophical subject that no one cared about. He was running away from the truth, maybe cause he was paralyzed with disbelief and fear of rejection- just like the rest of us when we are dealt with truth that we don’t want to believe or accept ourselves. It isn’t people told us how our lives should go. They said you’d marry the opposite sex and raise a family. A happily ever after ending. Just like them fairy tales.

Deep down he knew he was different. He wasn’t part of the fairytale ending we were told when we were younger. He was so consumed on suppressing his feeling and making his folks proud- he forgot to live. He knew he can’t live like this anymore. It was eating and he,too, just like Jack, was dying slowly inside.

Part III.

As Hamilton was riding back home he picked up something from the ground. He had a gut feeling it was something important. Slowing opening the letter, he felt a sense of uneaisness. He thought about his own life and how unerringly similar it was to his. He thought about how Jack never the chance to live and will have the chance to hug his loved ones again. Jack gave up on life and for some reason he saved someone else’s. Hamilton’s.

Hamilton thought about Jack’s words and decided believe. Believe in life. Everything is going to be alright.

 

 

Broken

Chapter Five: Jack

Part I

Highway 68 was nearly empty at this time of day. Everybody is home with their families or sitting watching the TV. Some of them are probably dead sleep. Jack, himself, was tired. He was reminiscing about all the times that life went right. The times when he wasn’t estranged from his family and when he had a job. He wondered if it will turn out fine at the end of the day. He was at an all time low.

He was also flustered by a secret he held for far too long. It consumed his thoughts and it slowly ate at his soul. It was too painful. He was dying slowly, maybe not physically, but mentally and thought about ending it all. At the end of the day, he was broken deep inside. He wanted to die. Walking solemnly for some time, with his head down, on Highway 68 he arrived at an overpass ready to end it all.  

He thought about suicide.

Part II

Jack slowly walked to the bridge. The evening breeze blew gently on his face. He wanted to jump so desperately, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He knew he was a lost cause, but he wanted to make sure that someone else won’t. He wanted others to try and find happiness- something he could not.

Having a habit of carrying a pen and notepad, he scribbled something short, but meaningful:

Dear friend,

I was living in misery. I lost my job, my family, and my livelihood, so I tried to start anew. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore. All I found was loneliness, despair, and regret. Yet strangely, I feel nothing personally. A void. I’ve kept a secret that was eating at me- slowly and painfully- and far too scared to tell. Isn’t it strange that those who claim to know are the ones who really don’t?  Deep down I can’t bear it anymore. It is far too late for me to find happiness. Wherever you are in life, Please do not give up.

-Jack

Home

Chapter Four: Hamilton 

It was evening and cool by the time Hamilton had reached the city. The cool summer evening. It will be alright. He won’t be going farther. This is home. It’s fine to take it slow.

His mother, knowing that it was his destiny to go,  still patiently waits on her doorstep. She waits for her son to return home one day. His bed untouched. She gently strokes the soft retriever, whispering her wishes and hymns she used to sing with him. Praying for her son to come home. Hamilton longed for home, but it was his destiny to go. He wrote his mother almost on a daily basis.

Dear mother,

I am doing well, but I long for home. I miss you and the times we had together. I hope and father are okay and doing well. I will be home one day. The city is bustling with activity. See you soon.

– Hamilton.   

Dear Hamilton,

Father and I are doing well. We long for your return, but I know you are doing great things. We miss you very dearly.

-Mother

Several months passed by, Hamilton found a calling in the civil rights movement- as an activist for the unheard- while holding a job in the city. Mother and Hamilton were still corresponding. Expecting another letter from his mother, he was taken aback when he received a letter from his father.

Dear Hamilton, my only son,

Mother isn’t feeling well. Please come home.

-Father  

Worried sick for his mother back home, he was at a crossroad. Was he going to leave everything behind- everything that he had made for himself in the city. He took a glance at his mother’s faded photo and put on his glossy black leather motorcycle jacket and headed out- home. He felt that he was losing control of life as everything unraveled before his eyes. It was the perfect disaster. He mounted on his motorbike and started it, but before he went, he stared at his apartment and bid it farewell for he loved the city.

He rode into the summer’s dusk with a slight breeze that felt liberating. No, he was not happy leaving, but he felt happy. He was liberated, only if it was just a couple of months. The city was liberating for him- he was unstuck from his past that he so desperately wanted to get away from.

 

Lonely Road

Chapter Three: Jack 

Whttingdale is empty now. Everybody has left in their trucks. The weather is still dry and hot and crops are not going grow in these conditions. It’s a dead end road and those who stay are going to drop dead not long after from starvation. At the heart of it all, there was this fervor goin’ round town that they were going to strike it rich elsewhere… so why stay?

Jack, a young man of 30, whose family left him for something better, was one of ‘em residents who didn’t know what to do. He knew, like most residents that this place was a dead end road, but he had a job and children to feed.He missed them so much and hoped that they’d come back some day just to see them again. He was tired of walking a lonely road. He needed that job to take ‘em out to the fanciest restaurant there was.

Everybody was moving to Longwood, but he knew that factory jobs wasn’t the way to go. It’s just another dead end road. Factory jobs were filling up fast.The city was the way to go, so he went. It was a long road there. He had to make it- he gave up all for it.

A full moon shone brightly when he started off his journey as a new beginning begged.  He had driven all night and the effects were showing. Barely able to open his eye- he tried to sleep, but kept thinking about what he left behind. He worried for his kids. It was really a fairytale without a happy ending. He lost his family, and then left his job that defined him for all those years to start anew. Anew with great uncertainty and a longing for home so far away.

He asked God it had to be this way. He caught himself half way and thought… maybe … just maybe… it will all work out.