Even the Strongest Bleed

I am no superman by any means, but I like to consider myself strong and can get through tough times with little to no trouble. But even the toughest guy bleeds, we are all human. I have never cried when things got tough or experienced loss until recently. The first time I cried was at the thought of my friend’s departure due to his graduation from university. To be honest, it was nothing compared to the imminent loss I will have.

I recently bawled my eyes out because of one of my beloved professor retired and will depart back to her home far far away. Based on my recent experience, I’ve been thinking of why. Why do we cry at loss? Why do the most toughest and level headed people cry as well?

In my opinion, it is because of emotions that we, as humans, all feel. Maybe it’s fear? Especially the fear that you have that you will most likely not see ever again? Maybe it’s because of the impact and influence the person had on you? Especially, a person who has influenced you and helped you greatly. As you know, one of my beloved professors retired and is moving very far away.. This professor has been such an influence on my life, as a student and a person. I bawled my eyes out two nights in a row (and as I am writing this) thinking of her. I just wish, if I ever become a professor (or wherever life takes me) I could be half as good as her. Never had such great sorrow until now. I hope to see her again before she leaves. Time is running out.

In the end, I don’t have all the answers. Maybe my readers will, who knows? Maybe my readers could help me? All I know is we all bleed. Even the toughest and level headed person cries. And that is okay!

 

 

pc: Huffington Post

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Who Am I?

Everybody has heard about the riddle titled ‘Who am I?’ where the guesser has to guess the identity of the person or thing based off of clues. It’s something I have trying to understand for myself. Something I have had internal fights about.

Now, I am an American. I not only have an American passport, I am proud to be an American. America has offered me opportunities throughout my life with not only educational opportunities, but awesome job opportunities and awesome friends. I not only go to Drew University, but got my dream job working for a police department for a year. I was like a fan boy when I got the job. Just like a girl with Bieber fever (is that even still a thing?). It’s the best.

Yet, at the same time I’ve had a sense of uneasiness. You see, I am a Third Culture Kid. A kid that is raised outside out of his or her parents’ culture. You see, I am Chinese American. I am more American than Chinese (Jersey represent). If you are wondering, I don’t watch Jersey Shore, but Vinny is cool.

I try to stay away from Chinese culture when out in public for fear of stereotypes. Fear of being judged maybe? For fear of being not American? However, my skin and whatever Asian features I have give my Chinese identity away. Maybe it’s those damn squinty eyes? Damn! My cover is blown. So who am I? Am I Chinese or American? I struggle with this everyday. I still don’t have an answer. I am American through and through. Yet what about my Chinese identity. Am I not doing justice by not acknowledging it? I don’t know. I am still on a journey to find it. Thank you.

Fearless

Let me take you back. I was tasked to write about homelessness in a college class. I could do any topic pertaining to homelessness. I thought about writing a comparative study on homelessness in different countries, social and political causes of homelessness, deviance and homelessness, and LGBT youth homelessness. LGBT youth homelessness seemed the most interesting and I would enjoy writing it. Yet, I had doubts about writing it and I was fixated on doing the others “just to pass the class.”

In the end, I threw away my doubts and wrote about LGBT homelessness. I am so glad that I ended up writing that topic because I, for one, knew I would enjoy the process. Second, I learned a lot about the seriousness of the problem. Third, I wanted to shed light and educate people on a topic that is not discussed or understood well.

In other words, I decided to do justice to those millions of homeless youths, of which 20- 40 percent identify as LGBT. Many of them are bullied and kicked out of their houses. Many of whom end up on the streets and engage in harmful activities, such as survival sex. Activities, such as survival sex, may lead to acquiring HIV. This leads me to the fourth reason. I wanted to find a solution to help end this atrocity. Yet, the fifth and final reason was the reason that led me to doubt myself. I am a member of the LGBT community.

All my best friends know, but I was not ready to come out to my professors yet. In my mind, I was afraid. I was afraid of the reaction that my professor might get the hint and find out I am gay. I wasn’t ready yet. Trust me, no one likes to do what they are afraid to do as it might reveal our insecurities and vulnerabilities– reveal our flaws. No one likes to be exposed and feel unprotected. Yet, I decided to do it because I felt that I needed to give a megaphone and I needed to do justice to the voiceless. I needed to tell it like it is. I needed spread the words so that, together, we can find a solution.

My message isn’t so much about coming out and not being afraid of being you. My message for you is to do what you are afraid to do. You might learn something and teach others in the process. It might even make you a better person and want to do justice in this world. I know I did.

 

pc