All Eyes On Me

I have social anxiety, I much rather stay at home than to be in a social situation full of people.  This which confuses many people I know because they see that I engage with people a lot. Of course, I talk to other people, it’s just small talk. It never blossomed to anything more than that. The occasional ‘hi, how are you?’ type of thing. After all, it would be very awkward not talk to people if I was forced into a room of people. Even when I do engage in small talk, I always wonder if they will judge me.

 

The thing is, I don’t even have to talk to someone to feel like I am being judged. It can be at any social situation. Everytime I walk into the gym and see big bulky guys. I pull out. I feel like they are all staring at me and judging me. Thinking if they will make fun of me because I am not bulky like them and can’t lift more than 20 pounds on a good day. This social anxiety at the gym got so bad that I ended up building a mini gym at home because of it.

 

Everytime I get invited to a sporting event where I have to play a sport I am not good at, such as basketball, I pull out. I make up some shitty excuse saying I’m busy. When in reality, I’m thinking that they will judge me negatively for not knowing how to play the sport. I reject invitations to college parties because I will feel judged if I don’t conform to their ways of partying, such as hard drinking. I don’t share many personal things with people I don’t know either because I feel that I will be judged for having certain traits.

 

I still feel my future friend out even when I think they are not judgemental. I slowly reveal some personal traits and see how they react. I would feel comfortable engaging with them if they don’t care and like me for me. If they admire and respect me for my traits and reassure me that it’s ok to be me. I am glad that I have a few very close friends understand and who love me for me. Without their constant support I’d be lost. I would feel that everyone is judging me and it’s not ok to be me. These are the friends that I can fall back on if I feel insecure. I sometimes wouldn’t go to an event if my friends weren’t going because all eyes would be judging me.

To be honest, it is ok to have social anxiety because it allows you to find people who understand you and love you for you. They will allow you to be you without being judgemental. It’s better to know one person who understands and loves you for who you are, than to know millions of people who don’t understand you at all.   

 

 

 

 

pc:

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “All Eyes On Me

  1. I understand exactly where you’re coming from. It can be immensely difficult suffering with social anxiety. Personally I keep struggle to maintain conversations as I just can’t think about what to say. I worry about coming across as boring to other people.

    Your last paragraph really struck a chord with me however. I can’t agree more with you. Finding people who are willing to stick with you,despite your mental illness, is often a demonstration of their good character. Thanks for writing this 🙂

    • Thank you for commenting! You put a smile on my face 🙂 I do struggle to maintain conversations with people… it’s uh…like what do I say. Its always about being you/ staying true to who you are… nothing more and nothing less. Always find and stick to those who love you for you. Thanks again! have a great day PS: I will go check out your blog too!

      • Definitely. Being true to who you are is vital. Trying to be someone you are not only leads down a self destructive path. It’s not worth it. Also thanks for checking out my blog too 🙂

      • Agreed! And in regards to ur post on crime, anger, and mental illness, I totally agree. There is this theory in sociology (not sure if u heard of it) called General Strain Theory developed by Robert Agnew which argues that negative stressors– mainly anger– causes crime. Anger would someone commit crime… not mental illness. Robert Merton would argue the same thing. Innovation (wanting the socially accepted goal, but not having the means of achieving it– this can produce anger) causes crime.

      • I have not heard of that theory before. Thank you for introducing it to me. It makes a hell of a lot of sense!

        Sadly most people do really believe that people like us are a danger to them. Honestly, what the media has been doing is a veiled form of ‘othering’.

        Thanks so much for commenting. Also I did receive your fb message. I was just on my way out to work at the time, which is why I didn’t respond at the time 🙂

      • Oh no problem, my pleasure! Yeah hahah. Soc theories can explain many things including anger and it’s relation to crime. I agree… there is a negative stigma on mental illness, as if its something bad. We gotta break the stigma down fast. “othering” could be bad because for those who do have mental illness, it’s a blow. By labeling those with a mental illness as bad (labeling theory), those with a mental illness will start feeling that there is something wrong with them and feel low self worth. that can be bad. It’s a start of a whole host of issues. No worries and look forward to more posts from you 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s