I have been obsessing over my body for a long time. I even hired a personal trainer. I’d be lying if I said I exercised solely for the health benefits. I’d be lying if I said exercising for me is not about making gains and getting big. I dreamed of getting big like those models or those chiseled Greek statues at the museums.
I envied those ripped dudes I see at the school gym… Just someday. Just someday. I am still afraid of judgement from these dudes too! Will they think I’m crazy and laugh at me if I go into the gym? I am not going to lie. I look at myself in the mirror every so often to see if I’m not that skinny twig anymore.
Do I even have muscles? Am I one step closer to being them? Honestly, I’ve made progress, as I am seeing some positive results. Even though, I know I’m never going to be like them cause I wasn’t built that way, I’m never satisfied. I get over the elation rather fast and say to myself that’s not enough. What can I do more to be like them?
But, after I watched a YouTube video by my favorite YouTuber (Mike) on body image and thinking about this whole thing, you know what it’s okay to have these feelings. I’m not alone and other people have the same feelings of inadequacy. It’s okay to look in the mirror every so often to check my gains and compare myself to bulkier dudes and wanting to be them. It’s okay. But, do you know what’s not okay? Thinking I am somehow less than them. Somehow I’m inadequate. That’s not okay cause I’m special.