Through Selfishness I Learned Selflessness


I found a great article about selflessness, called “HOW BEING “SELFISH” TAUGHT ME TO BE SELFLESS” written by a fellow blogger on WordPress. His name is Sky; he is a college graduate, a LGBT activist, and transgender himself. He wrote about how he believed that he was selfish by asking for donations for his surgeries, to which many people donated, including strangers, but his experience led him to in essence “give back” as many ways as he could think of. For example, Sky “began giving dollar bills to street musicians” ( He “wrote a new, good friend a large check towards his top surgery fund” (  In summary, Sky donated to many causes he believed in.  

This really moved me because I had similar experiences, not with transgender surgeries, but with going to a week long non-mandatory college trip, called Alternate Winter Break, to Washington D.C. to help the less fortunate; this trip also helped fulfill my scholarship requirement which was to complete 100 hours of community service by the end of the year.

I knew very well that going on the trip meant we had to go to different organizations to perform a plethora of service activities that benefited the less fortunate. To be totally honest, and quite cynical, I would go to the extent of saying I was selfish in the beginning, I didn’t really care about performing these activities. I just went on this trip to complete the hours, not really to help the less fortunate. Go hate on me all you want, but trust me it does get better and will have a Disney fairy tale ending.


I do admit, in school, we equated doing community service with the less fortunate, and how it would somehow magically eradicate all the world’s problems, in fact, we read an array of articles about it. I never knew how or why it helped them. To me it was an unknown concept; it was just a thing we talked about. I wondered how these activities actually benefited people. I wondered if this magic word we use called “service” did in fact help solve the issue of bettering the lives of the less fortunate, as we all say, then why do poverty and homelessness still exist?

Fast forward toward the middle of the trip, half way through the trip still in for the hours. Again, I started to wonder how these service activities actually helped the less fortunate. After doing an activity, I was rather frustrated and bemused about how this activity benefited the less fortunate. It never dawned on me that packing lunches for less fortunate people actually helped them, even if I could not see their reaction or enjoyment. To me at that time, a task, such as packing lunches, didn’t seem like an activity that would benefit anyone because I could not see the receiving end. It felt to me as if I was wasting my time because I thought we were giving lunches to imaginary person.

I was perplexed, really, I was! So I asked, more like vented to, a roommate whom I at that time sorta- kinda knew. I vented to him how I felt about the activity and my disconnect about that one service activity, and service in general.

I guess, seeing my bemusement, my roommate decided to help. He and I had a conversation about the fulfillments and goals of doing service. Before our conversation, I thought community service was a foreign concept because I did not know what the heck I was freaking doing! Why was I doing service and how did it help the population I am serving. However, after my conversation with him I realized that even though I could not solve all the world’s problems, I would know in my heart that I just by being selfless and lending a hand to someone in need I already have made a difference in someone’s life.  Just perhaps that one lunch I packed made a person cry with tears of joy because someone had cared! 

Now you may wonder how this experience made my selfish way vanish? Remember, I was perplexed and frustrated about the connection between community service and how benefited the less fortunate. I was frustrated to the point where fumes erupted from head. Not to romanticize this event, but my roommate was being selfless by listening to me and helped me resolve this issue. He could have carried on doing his thing, whatever he was doing, but he listened. By being selfless he made me feel I mattered, it felt good, I felt better. He made a difference in my life. So through my experience, realized that being selfless actually made other people feel they mattered. Someone was thinking of them.



What Constitutes Being a Man

What constitutes being a man or a woman? First, the words “man” and “female”are socially constructed terms, given to people of different sexes [males and females respectively] (Kendall, 2013: 318 and 321). “One is not born a woman, but rather becomes one” (Beauvoir 1949)[1]. What exactly is social construction in this context of sex, gender, and sexuality? The word “man” or “woman” includes not only sexes [males and females], but implies our interpretation of how a male or a female should act; the way females and males act are culturally approved as the normal, this cultural approval is otherwise known as heteronormitvity (Thomas, 2000: 12).

Heteronormitive beliefs are the beliefs in “masculinity” or “femininity”; according, masculinity is defined as “pertaining to or characteristic of a man or men…” ( The same holds true with females and femininity. What practices are associated with “’ femininity’ and ‘masculinity’” (Kendall, 2013: 321)? For example, a “man” should be tough, muscular, emotionless, and dominant. Whereas a “woman” should be “weak, pretty, caring, and subjective (as being subject to a man).

In this paper, I will discuss the differences between the definitions of sex and gender; I will break down the processes of gender social construction using the conferred property, developed by ancient philosopher Euthyphro (Sveinsdottir, 2013: 719). Lastly, I am going to state my own opinion as to how gender should be viewed in the future.

What is Sex and what is Gender

As defined by sociologist Diana Kendall gender and sex refers two different concepts. Sex is “the biological and anatomical differences between females and males” (Kendall, 2013: 316). Kendall (2013) gives the example of the chromosomal differences between males and females. The male has an XY chromosomal formation where as the females have a XX formation. Gender on the other hand, as mentioned above, is “the culturally and socially constructed differences between males and females found in the meanings…associated with ‘femininity’ and ‘masculinity’” (Kendall, 2013: 321).

Indeed, I agree with Kendall that everything we see or do is gendered or socially constructed (Kendall, 2013: 321). Men and women have different occupations and those who do not abide by these constructed roles are deviant. Furthermore, people fear being labeled as deviant and therefore, they construct an identity that makes them not deviant.

First, nurses are considered a female occupation and a bodybuilding is considered a male hobby/ occupation. The Verizon ad called “Inspire Her Mind” exemplifies this social construction. This ad shows several girls being belittled by their parents for liking science. The end of this ad, they present statistics. Statistics show that 66 percent of 4th grade girls like science and math, but only 18 percent of engineering majors are female. Women at a very young age are demeaned for entering into the “men” occupations ( This presents a big problem for society at large because it destroys dreams and aspirations that one may have because of the fear of belittlement.

Second, the people construct an identity that makes them not deviant. For example, gender specialist Calvin Thomas states when studying hetero and homosexuality, “the terror of being mistaken for a queer dominates the straight mind because this terror constitutes the straight mind” (Thomas, 2000: 27). What does he mean? Thomas believes that because people are so afraid of being labeled as feminine by being homosexual, people created this term and identity heterosexual to combat this stereotype. Similarly, the term “man” or the term “woman” can’t exist without the other being a term and identity. Because a male does not want to be labeled as feminine in nature, the male identifies as masculine and follows the socially constructed and approved actions. The same goes with femininity; just substitute “man’ with “woman”.

The Conferred Theory and How it is Constituted

Developed by Euthyphro, the conferralist theory has five steps (Sveinsdottir, 2013: 720) that I am going to use four to explain gender construction:

The Conferred property (the granted or the item that was granted a title or identity): being of a specific gender [man or woman]
Who (the one that bestows this property on you): Society
What (what attitude matters to you): Society’s judgment
When (when or in what situation the conferred takes place): in the context of our daily interaction with others in society

I will put this all together in the order of how gender is constructed:

The society identifies you as man or woman
You comply in fear of belittlement from society
You act accordingly (your gender roles) in your interactions with other people, again in fear of belittlement

I have labeled some sanctions (both external and internal) that might happen if one does not comply[2]:

Shunning from society
Self esteem lowers (possibly to the point of depression)
“Odd” looks or reactions from people (least severe)
Gender in the Future

Gender role and gender construction is an atrocity. One should not be belittled because they don’t conform to society’s approved roles. It is curious that in America we value diversity and difference is cherished; yet we forget this belief. For example, in secondary education, freshman pamphlets contain brief lines that say something like, “this school believes in equality and that discrimination based on race, gender, creed, and sexual preference shall not be tolerated.”[3] If we stress equality and non-discrimination in schools, why shouldn’t we carry this belief outside in the mainstream society? Thus, societies should not, or have to try not to socially construct the roles that each gender must follow.

Furthermore, those who do not conform to mainstream gender roles deserve the same amount of respect that other people do; society shouldn’t be close-minded and judge non-conformists as deviant.

Lastly, Calvin Thomas, a gender specialist, wants straight people to think critically queer. Thinking critically queer means that straight people should question heteronormitvity. Heteronormitvity means that only conformists and constructionists are normal and non-conformists are not (Thomas, 2000: 12). Questioning heteronormitvity enables the former to start doubting what society considers as a normal gender behavior. By doubting the normal and abandoning preconceived notions regarding gender roles, people will be open to different gender role preferences.

[1] Cited in The Social Construction of Human Kinds by ASTA KRISTJANA SVEINSDOTTIR

[2] Ideas are my own or from my experience, not taken from any source

[3] Paraphrased from Mountain Lakes High School, Mountain Lakes, NJ yearly pamphlets
Kendall, Diana. Sociology in Our Times. Stamford, CT: 10th Edition, 2013.

Scottish Government. (2010, July 2). Reporting on Progress Towards Equality of Opportunity for Women and Men made by Public Authorities in Scotland: Ministerial Priorities for Gender Equality: Tackling Occupational Segregation: A Review of Key Evidence and National Policies. Retrieved August 1, 2014, from

Sveinsdóttir, Ã. K. (2013). The Social Construction of Human Kinds. Hypatia, 28(4), 716-732.

Thomas, C., Aimone, J. O., & MacGillivray, C. A. (2000). Straight with a twist: queer theory and the subject of heterosexuality. Urbana: University of Illinois Press.

Verizon Commercial 2014 | Inspire Her Mind – Extended | Verizon Wireless. (2014, June 2). YouTube. Retrieved July 31, 2014, from

Whitehurst, L. (2013, June 7). Why are Utah women far behind men in STEM education, jobs?. The Salt Lake Tribune. Retrieved August 1, 2014, from

masculinity. (n.d.). Retrieved August 1, 2014, from

[1] Cited in The Social Construction of Human Kinds by ASTA KRISTJANA SVEINSDOTTIR

[2] Ideas are my own or from my experience, not taken from any source

[3] Paraphrased from Mountain Lakes High School, Mountain Lakes, NJ yearly pamphlets

Body Image: An Empirical Study on Why Men Exercise


I. Introduction

This is a really personal topic, not because I am overly obsessed with my body image, but as I grow older I felt the need strive for a good, toned masculine stature. A body that that matches the likes of Davey Wavey, Colby Melvin, and Brandon Robert Brown, as well as some of my friends. I felt the need to be built; I felt I was too thin and not as muscular as I should be. I didn’t change because some imbecile decided to make fun of me for my used- to- be thin stature, rather, I chose to change on my own terms. I wondered why I started to have the idea to go to the gym and get a toned body, and why for that matter men choose to go to the gym. In fact, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, though men and women do different exercises, “Men were slightly more likely than women to participate in sports and exercise activities on an average day…” (, 2008). Similarly, a recent Gallup Poll also confirms that, “men are much more likely than women to say they exercise or engage in vigorous sports or activities on a regular basis” (, 2005). Furthermore, the Gallup poll stresses that 33 percent of men exercise intensively, compared to 26 percent of women (

II. Preliminary Data and Themes

As I mentioned prior, I wondered why this was the case. Why do men exercise more than women? I started to ask a few people. A person asked told me, “It helps me unwind and …feels good overall in my opinion.” Another informant added that he wanted “to live a healthy lifestyle…” Another feels exercise is a way to stay “healthy and in shape!” I saw some recurring themes such as: living a healthy lifestyle and feeling good. I felt that these are superb reasons to exercise; in fact, I exercise partly for those reasons.

III. Finding a Deeper Meaning and Data

I knew from my opinion, my desire to exercise extended farther than living healthy and feeling well. There was an emotional, more psychological reason to my desire to exercise. I really wanted to find the true reason as to why men want to exercise because I believe that there is a deeper meaning to exercise than lifestyle and feeling good. I believe there are two reasons. The first reason is because of body image, the mood, and the mind. The second reason is our notion to compare ourselves to others; this is otherwise known as ‘compare and despair’.

IV. Body Image, the Mood, and the Mind

First, I believe it had something to do with body image, the mood, and the mind; all of these reasons are interrelated. Informant number four shares my opinion. He explains:

1) You tend to feel good if you look good, so looking good makes me happy. 2) It’s healthy to exercise, not only for keeping your body active but also for your mind. It’s been shown that exercise improves your mood…

I believe that men are portrayed by society as a masculine, the big and buff. Any man being non- masculine, or being or acting feminine is the odd ball in society and often are ostracized by society. This phenomena is known as the study of gender roles specifically, “masculine ideology” (, n.d.).

In fact, the organization called Psychology of Men agrees with us that, “These include prescriptions for ways to act (be tough, stay in control, etc), attitudes to hold (work is very important, women should be be {sic} primary caregivers to children, etc), and ways to look (wear pants and suits, wear hair short, etc). It also includes proscriptions for ways not to act (don’t cry, don’t be a wimp, etc)… and ways not to present oneself (don’t wear a dress, don’t have long hair, etc)” (, n.d.). By exercising, and by looking good, you feel good, partly because you fit into the portrayal of men in society, a society where men are supposed to act big, buff, and tough. Once you feel good and are satisfied that you fit in, your mind will be healthy because is absent of negative thoughts on body image.

V. Case Study

For example, I believe the reason why homosexual men exercise is because of body image and how they are presented in society. Despite efforts to reverse society’s outlook on homosexuals, society still views homosexuals as feminine, as outlandish girly figures dressed in rainbow colors at pride parades. In fact, things are not getting better (, n.d.). In order to break that stereotype, they become manly by becoming big and buff so they can overcome the body image stereotype.

VI. Compare and Despair

Furthermore, ‘compare and despair’ is where we compare ourselves to others, mainly to our peers; then find out we have some kind of fault and we are somehow less than our peers. We go into a cycle of depression (, 2013). This can happen any day, at school, work, or even at a social gathering. I wanted to find out why we, as individuals compare ourselves with our peers, knowing that it may lead to our own destruction. I believe that there are several reasons why this phenomenon happens. I will explain each of them later. First, we live in a materialistic and consumeristic world fueled by advertisements telling us to consume the latest things on the market. Second, we value the Darwinist idea of ‘survival of the fittest’. The social food chain is very much on our mind. Lastly, we are in love with fame and fortune; the thought of money means everything to us. All of these reasons are interrelated.

We live in a world of material goods and the more new things we have implies we have status. We want status because we want fame and fortune. That means that we want to compete with others to see who comes on top of the social food chain. Whoever has the most expensive thing comes out on top of the cultural hierarchy. How many times have we seen the phrase ‘NEW and Improved car’ and descriptions such as, ‘a class leading fuel economy and more room than before’ in stock? In order to understand compare and despair, we must understand people’s love for dichotomies- new vs. old, beauty vs. ugly. The companies who made the products we buy capitalize on this knowledge to engineer phrases to exploit our feelings because they know people prefer new things versus old things and beauty vs. ugliness. Those who have old and obsolete, or near obsolete goods are inferior.

This is even furthered by our own sense of identity; we are so aware of our social status in society. Anne Norton, a researcher on consumerism explained it best, we want to know “what the garment means” (Norton, 1993). Because we become aware of what our clothes we wear, and what society thinks of us, we tend to feel inferior to society if we don’t match up. For example, we have a preconceived notion that Polo Ralph Lauren is associated with the upper class ($$$) and status. If our friends have R. Lauren shirts and we don’t then we would feel inferior and depressed because we prize our image very much. In other words we are becoming more of a materialistic society and thus we experience enormous social pressure to come out on top, making us feeling less than others if we don’t.

Similarly, since we are so focused on our identity and how we fit into society; we value beauty over ugliness. The media imposing social norms and dictates how we ought to look fuels this sense of identity even more. In other words, we compare our bodies to how the media wants us to look. The media believes men should look muscular and intrudes that image into our daily lives (Vartanian, 2009). Sometimes the internalization and belief of these social norms makes those who do not look like poster children of the media feel inferior to society. No one wants to feel inferior to society’s standards or to others who are the media’s poster people. For example when we are bombarded with advertisements of Calvin Klein or Polo Ralph Lauren, we see fit and muscular men appear on magazines and television modeling for the brand, not fat ugly looking men. Again, we compare these images with our own bodies and fall into a cycle of despair because we look fat and ugly compared to the models. Once we don’t appreciate and respect our bodies for what they are worth, we find ways to make our bodies look fit, exercise being one of them (Homan and Tylka, 2013). In fact, it has been proven that “males appear to be dissatisfied with their stomach, chest and arms and would like to increase the size (e.g., muscular appearance) of these body parts” thus they exercise to solve this dissatisfaction (McCabe and Ricciardelli, 2004 and Ridgeway and Tylka, 2005)[1].

VII. Case Study

Case in point, gay men tend to be dissatisfied with their body and thus have low self- esteem compared to heterosexual men (Rad and McLaren, 2013). In fact, gay men score higher on self-report measures for weight and shape concerns (Hospers and Jansen, 2005). This is because gay men define physical attractiveness as physical strength, upper- body muscularity, and leanness (Yelland and Tiggemann, 2003). Placing a keen sense of this definition of attractiveness makes gay men prone to compare their body stature with other men. If they feel that they don’t match up to other men who are ‘poster- children’ of the definition of attractiveness, peer pressure kicks in and they will feel inferior and go into a cycle of depression. In order to ‘fit’ in to the stereotypical definition (social normals) of attractiveness they will do things such as exercise.

Interestingly enough, the definition of attractiveness that is widely used in the gay community is conjured up, not by they community itself, but by “the social environment in which gay men are raised” (psychology More simply, the media is dictating how men in general should look. The media is telling men that looking physically strong, muscular, and lean mean being a true man. Then why do men, especially gay men, drink the media’s ‘Cool-Aid’ and exercise? I have one explanation, since gay men are ostracized by mainstream society as feminine girly people and they have the notion that big and buff means masculine and by looking this way they will fit into the mainstream society. Thus, gay men exercise “stave off detection of one’s sexual orientation” (psychology or to compensate for the society’s stereotypes of them as girly creatures.

VIII. Conclusion

In conclusion, I believe that there is a deeper meaning to exercise than lifestyle and feeling good; it had something to do with body image, the mood, and the mind as well as our constant notion to compare ourselves with others, otherwise known was ‘compare and despair’. Men are portrayed by society as a masculine, the big and buff. Any men being non- masculine men, or in other words, a male being or acting feminine is the odd ball in society and often are ostracized by society. However, as we progress through the twenty first century where the United States, and some parts of the world have slowly started to be inclusive and accepting of non- confirmative ways of living, gender roles are ideas of the past and should be abandoned. For example, we have seen some gender flopping in the United States. That is there are more and more stay at home dads and the mother is the breadwinner. In fact, the Pew Research Center finds that almost 2 million fathers are at home, up from 1.1 million in 1989 (, 2013). So what does all this have to do with exercise? Well, it is sad that exercise, a wonderful thing to do, has become more of a means to break hold stereotype that men are supposed to be masculine, big and buff, and men why don’t fit in are outsiders. Granted, we are slowly moving forward to becoming a more inclusive society in certain areas, but how were we supposed to move to be an more inclusive society in all areas of living if we still hold the that stereotype?

IX. References

Carroll, J. (2005, December 6). Regular Exercise: Who’s Getting It? Retrieved June 18, 2014, from

Dempsey, M. (2013, August 7). Matthew J Dempsey’s Blog. Retrieved June 18, 2014, from

Exercise Statistics All Over the Map. (n.d.). U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. Retrieved June 21, 2014, from

Ford, M. (n.d.). A Brief History of Homosexuality in America – Allies & Advocates – Grand Valley State University. Retrieved June 18, 2014, from

Homan, K., & Tylka, T. (2014). Appearance-based exercise motivation moderates the relationship between exercise frequency and positive body image. Body Image, 11(2), 101-108. Retrieved from

Hospers , H., & Jansen, A. (2005). Why homosexuality is a risk factor for eating disorders in males. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(8), 1188-1201. Retrieved from

Ludden, J. (2013, May). Stay-At-Home Dads, Breadwinner Moms And Making It All Work : NPR. Retrieved June 18, 2014, from

McLaren, S., & Rad, P. (2013). The relationships between sense of belonging to the gay community, body image dissatisfaction, and self-esteem among Australian gay men. Journal of Homosexuality, 60(6), 927-943. Retrieved from

Mustanski, B. (2013, April). Why Do Young Gay Men Try to Be the Best? | Psychology Today. Retrieved June 18, 2014, from

Norton, A. (1993). The Signs of Shopping. In Republic of signs: Liberal theory and American popular culture. Chicago: University

Psychology of Men » Male Gender Role. (n.d.). Psychology of Men » Male Gender Role. Retrieved June 21, 2014, from

Vartanian, L. (2009). When the body defines the self: Self-concept clarity, internalization, and body image.. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 28(1), 94-126.